What Your Favorite Eeveelution Says About You

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By Drew Allen on December 1st, 2021


We’ve all been here before – you’ve come into possession of an elusive Eevee and now you have to make the insanely difficult choice of which form to evolve it into. Do you choose the electric Jolteon? The icy Glaceon? Maybe the physic Espeon? What EVER will you do?? Below, I’ll go over what each Eeveelution choice says about YOU!



The Normal Type Pokémon. You’re the kind of person who doesn’t like change. You’re boring as hell and hate most aspects of life, generally sitting at home and staring at your wall, wishing you had done something more with your existence. Why would you change now? Stick to those regular moves like Quick Attack and Tail Whip you loser. Eevee? More like GEEVEME a break!


The Water Type Pokémon. You have a sixth sense about when rain is on the horizon and always brag about it, which people find super, super annoying. This inevitably leads to you crying, a lot, which always winds up with you drinking heavily, as your water type body allows for heavy, heavy consumption of high-grade alcohol. You’re also an avid fisherman!


The Electric Type Pokémon. You’ve got quite the spark! Your thunderous personality makes you a hit at parties and you’re an absolute pro at discharging any tension during an argument. Unfortunately, you also have gigantic electric spikes protruding from your body and, frankly, holding any relationship or job is next to impossible. Despite this, you often maintain a sunny disposition!


The Fire Type Pokémon. You have an inner rage that is all consuming, often to your own detriment! Your anger issues are deeply rooted to your childhood, which you hated at every turn, and now you wish nothing more than to bring that pain to all who interact with you. On weekends, you can almost always be found at the beach, taking in the rays and contemplating your next evil atrocity.


The Psychic Type Pokémon. You’re a know-it-all and everyone is aware. You’ve always been good at reading people’s feelings, so good in fact that people think you’re stalking them! They don’t know that you can just use Future Sight and always know what’s coming. It’s not your fault you were born with this insanely powerful gift! These peons just don’t understand, that’s all! Yeah, they’re just weak and helpless, and they’re always lying to you and others and trying to cover it up…but you’ll always know the truth…they can’t escape from it. They’ll never escape from it. Just like you’ll never escape Dream Eater and all the horrifying things you’ve seen!


The Dark Type Pokémon. You could not give less of a shit about anything or anyone. You love being moody and broody, your favorite music is early 2000s pop-punk emo, and sitting in the corners of rooms writing in your journal is a choice pastime. There’s an assurance that you’ll greet everyone with a snarl, always engage in foul play, and if someone disses My Chemical Romance, you’ll be there to dish out a throat chop as payback. Also, when the moon is out, you glow and everyone is terrified. Most of your family has disowned you.


The Grass Type Pokémon. You’re high all the time. Magical Leaf is working its sorcery on you 24/7 and you could not be happier. You have a distinctive aroma that people often describe as “dank” or “skunk”. You often don’t hear them because you’re napping.


The Ice Type Pokémon. It’s always ice to meet you, no matter the circumstances. Nothing slips your mind and you’re always cool under pressure. People often ask, “There’s snow way someone could be THIS amazing!” But it’s true! You really are skating though life with nothing but your brrr-illiance and striking good looks! Snow one gives you a chilly reception! However, you’re almost never chill out when wintry weather is near, causing many of your relationships to be put on ice. Also, you hate puns, but who doesn’t?


The Fairy Type Pokémon. Honestly, you’re kindhearted person who tries their absolute best in a crumbling world. You call you parents once a week, you always brush your teeth AND floss before bed, and try your best not to overindulge in anything. Moderation is the key to happiness, and it’s a mantra you live by daily. Friends and family are super important to you and you constantly seek approval from others, even though you really don’t need it. It just feels nice, ya know? Someone supporting you and in your corner feels good. Everyone should have that.


The How We All Feel Looking In The Mirror Pokémon. This is who we all really are. Every other Eeveelution is a façade to help us continue on each day, but none of us are a Leafeon or a Flareon. We’re all a Gigantamax Eevee and there’s nothing we can do about it. But you know what? We sure are cute as hell. So we got that going for us.

Writer, actor, filmmaker, and musician. Video games are 11/10.


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